We Are Not Bullies! Also known as Words Matter!


Lately I have noticed a trend towards using a term/word amongst BDSM practitioners for consensual BDSM activities…that word is bully (or bullying).

In very recent times, twice I have encountered these words being used to describe consensual, fun BDSM activities…stuff we do all the time, what is generally called “play” or “scenes”. Please, I beg of you, stop using these words. The negative connotations associated with the words “bully/bullying” are too great, there are too many organisations doing great work in schools and workplaces trying to eradicate bullying, for the BDSM community to suddenly become a user of this terminology.

“Oh gosh, I would love to be bullied like that” in a BDSM chat room

“Bullying (insert nickname here) is one of my favourite things to do” on a Social Media platform

Doesn’t sound good out of context, does it?

In both cases the users of this term were people who are much younger than Me…but I really hate the whole “younger generation are bad” bullshit, and there may certainly be people of My own age using this terminology as well. But language does change between generations, that is a fact of life (which is why I mention it), however in this case I believe the potential for extremely negative consequences of adopting this terminology far outweigh the concept of language growth.

We are not bullies! Bullying conveys a lack of consent, and that IS NOT what BDSM is all about, consent must always be the cornerstone of what we do in kink. 

Please, rethink using this terminology. Words matter. I am NOT A BULLY. You are NOT A BULLY. People DON’T LIKE BEING BULLIED. As someone who was bullied in My youth, it’s not something I ever wish to see.

Don’t call Me a bully. You won’t like My reaction. Fair warning.


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